The Index
From Abba to zoozoos
An A to Z of the IPL. All together now...
S Aga
25-Apr-2010
A is for Abba, who could not be persuaded to come out of retirement to grace the opening ceremony. Instead we had Abba tribute band Bjorn Again, Jedi nurses, performers with fluorescent lights surgically embedded in them, and Ravi Shastri screaming like it was the end of the universe.
B is for blimp Aka the great nightclub in the sky, manned by a malevolent Dennis Lillee - if Danny Morrison is to be believed. But since Danny Morrison cannot be believed, we'll go with the versions of the other commentators: a hot-air balloon that is somehow at the forefront of technology. Clearly the IPL's finances are not the only things mysterious about it.
C is for captive audience. Yes, Margaret, there are ads in the middle of overs now.
Full postLet them entertain us
Players are set to wow the audience with their (non-cricketing) talents at the inaugural IPL awards tonight. We have a list of some cricketers we'd like to see perform
Samantha Pendergrast
23-Apr-2010
Rahul Dravid, Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar: As an ice-breaker, the show will start with a short quiz between the three Indian batsmen. While Sehwag and Tendulkar will have to be persuaded to participate, Dravid will rush up the stage, two steps at a time, as soon as he hears the words "quiz" and "test your brains". But he's disappointed because the questions revolve around celebrities attending IPL matches and the lyrics to the Deccan Chargers team song. Tendulkar will shock everyone with his ultra-competitive manner, jumping and snatching the mike, even for questions he doesn't know the answers to. He'll taunt the others, Miandad-style, when they lag behind and fight bitterly for points. Sehwag will declare the questions "ordinary" and refuse to answer any.
Shane Warne: Obviously you thought we'd go with the card-trick idea because he plays poker. But we loathe stereotypes as much as the family-drama soaps we grew up watching do. Warne's on-stage performance will, in fact, be a real jaw-dropper. The emcee will randomly select young women from the audience and Warne will guess their phone numbers. David Blain will look like a failed audition for Harry Potter once Warne is done and the prize will be a group date for the ladies with the magician.
Sreesanth: Someone has to dance if this is going to an Indian awards show, I say.
Full postPower to the players
If the likes of Dravid and Ponting went into politics, would the world be a better place?
Andrew Fernando
07-Apr-2010
The year is 2035. Over the last 25 years several international cricketers have shaped the world by taking up affairs of government. Starting with Sanath Jayasuriya's political debut in 2010, these are their stories.
Sanath Jayasuriya
Despite worries that Jayasuriya would have trouble defeating Arjuna Ranatunga, who was his rival in the 2010 election, Jayasuriya's disdain for anything short and wide helped him campaign to an overwhelming victory over his former team-mate and captain. Jayasuriya's popularity saw him fast-tracked to the presidency, a post he revolutionised, employing extremely aggressive economic and social policies in the first 15 months to get his administration off to a flyer. Taxes were cut ruthlessly, with immense power, while government spending was also slashed away at an alarming rate. Jayasuriya even energised Sri Lanka's languishing economy by doing away with land transport and making helicopters the primary mode of transport: a policy that stemmed from his natural preference for going aerial.
Despite worries that Jayasuriya would have trouble defeating Arjuna Ranatunga, who was his rival in the 2010 election, Jayasuriya's disdain for anything short and wide helped him campaign to an overwhelming victory over his former team-mate and captain. Jayasuriya's popularity saw him fast-tracked to the presidency, a post he revolutionised, employing extremely aggressive economic and social policies in the first 15 months to get his administration off to a flyer. Taxes were cut ruthlessly, with immense power, while government spending was also slashed away at an alarming rate. Jayasuriya even energised Sri Lanka's languishing economy by doing away with land transport and making helicopters the primary mode of transport: a policy that stemmed from his natural preference for going aerial.
Shane Warne
Much was expected of the great legspinner when he became Australia's minister of finance in 2020 on the back of his natural affinity for commercial ventures. Despite public annoyance at MPs Adam Gilchrist and Ian Healy, who repeatedly bleated "Nice one Shaayne" from the back bench whenever Warne did something remotely praiseworthy, Warne was a popular choice. However, his stint at the top level was ultimately far more entertaining than effective. While he led the nation to a period of incredible prosperity early in his term, the decision to gamble Australia's entire annual GDP on a poker match proved to be a wrong'un. Warne lost billions, sending the country spiralling into a recession that was only slightly mitigated by the booming diuretic drug industry, which had taken off after his appointment to cabinet. Mobile phone companies also did well during Warne's spell, as his unrestricted access to Australia's phone directory resulted in millions of citizens receiving random text messages on a regular basis, many of them simply reading, "What are you wearing?"
Full postMuch was expected of the great legspinner when he became Australia's minister of finance in 2020 on the back of his natural affinity for commercial ventures. Despite public annoyance at MPs Adam Gilchrist and Ian Healy, who repeatedly bleated "Nice one Shaayne" from the back bench whenever Warne did something remotely praiseworthy, Warne was a popular choice. However, his stint at the top level was ultimately far more entertaining than effective. While he led the nation to a period of incredible prosperity early in his term, the decision to gamble Australia's entire annual GDP on a poker match proved to be a wrong'un. Warne lost billions, sending the country spiralling into a recession that was only slightly mitigated by the booming diuretic drug industry, which had taken off after his appointment to cabinet. Mobile phone companies also did well during Warne's spell, as his unrestricted access to Australia's phone directory resulted in millions of citizens receiving random text messages on a regular basis, many of them simply reading, "What are you wearing?"
Overdosed on the IPL?
Three weeks into the tournament and more than a few of us are feeling the effects of IPL fatigue. Are you one of the unfortunates thus afflicted? Our handy checklist will let you find out soon enough.
S Aga
02-Apr-2010
You know you've got to take a break from the IPL if...
1. You've had at least one heated discussion on whether the plural of Mongoose is Mongeese.
2. You've uttered the words "Come back Ramiz Raja, all is forgiven."
Full postThe seven plagues of the IPL
We've had moths and dogs. Here are some entertaining disruptions we'd like to see this season. Note: contains a Tendulkar tantrum
Nishi Narayanan
29-Mar-2010
The cheer assault
Two pom poms are carried on to the field by a gust of wind during a Kolkata v Deccan game. Kolkata need one to win off the last ball when one of the fluffy intruders blows across the umpire's face. Sourav Ganguly, distracted by what looks like the "comfy cushy" he had when he was 11, is bowled off what is actually a no-ball. An argument ensues over legality of the ball. Ganguly flounces, Eden Gardens riots, and no one notices that the second pompom has gently landed on Andrew Symonds' head.
Two pom poms are carried on to the field by a gust of wind during a Kolkata v Deccan game. Kolkata need one to win off the last ball when one of the fluffy intruders blows across the umpire's face. Sourav Ganguly, distracted by what looks like the "comfy cushy" he had when he was 11, is bowled off what is actually a no-ball. An argument ensues over legality of the ball. Ganguly flounces, Eden Gardens riots, and no one notices that the second pompom has gently landed on Andrew Symonds' head.
The prolonged toss
Security is so tight at the IPL that though a dozen "franchise reps", contest winners, and hangers-on are allowed on to the pitch for the toss, along with the captains and match referee, the coin is deemed a risk. After a short but frantic delay, the unflappable IPL commissioner decides the toss will determined using his BlackBerry. No, not by flipping it (it's not insured against on-field damage) but using the "guess-which-hand" method. Shane Warne employs his poker expertise to pick the right hand - which is the left.
Security is so tight at the IPL that though a dozen "franchise reps", contest winners, and hangers-on are allowed on to the pitch for the toss, along with the captains and match referee, the coin is deemed a risk. After a short but frantic delay, the unflappable IPL commissioner decides the toss will determined using his BlackBerry. No, not by flipping it (it's not insured against on-field damage) but using the "guess-which-hand" method. Shane Warne employs his poker expertise to pick the right hand - which is the left.
The unexpected yorker
Shaun Tait bowls a delivery so wide it yorks the fielder standing at point, Michael Lumb. Confusion prevails: batsmen are unsure whether to run, the umpire doesn't know whether to call it an extra-wide wide or a dead ball. Lumb, now with a sore right foot, is carried off the field. Two days later he makes a brave return and takes the same position on the field. Brendon McCullum, on a manic hitting spree, goes for yet another scoop-and-roll. But this time he rolls too far and his bat collides with Lumb's face, breaking his jaw. The headline in India's leading paper the next day: "Numb Lumb rendered dumb".
Full postShaun Tait bowls a delivery so wide it yorks the fielder standing at point, Michael Lumb. Confusion prevails: batsmen are unsure whether to run, the umpire doesn't know whether to call it an extra-wide wide or a dead ball. Lumb, now with a sore right foot, is carried off the field. Two days later he makes a brave return and takes the same position on the field. Brendon McCullum, on a manic hitting spree, goes for yet another scoop-and-roll. But this time he rolls too far and his bat collides with Lumb's face, breaking his jaw. The headline in India's leading paper the next day: "Numb Lumb rendered dumb".
So long Shoaib, goodbye Colly
Each IPL is replaced by another, full of developments stunning and new. What better time to look back at things and people we'll miss from the previous editions?
Sidharth Monga
18-Mar-2010
Black and gold
Yes, that thing of beauty, the shiny black-and-gold Kolkata Knight Riders shirt, has given way to an even more beautiful, nipple-twisting, light-reflecting purple and gold. The lack of controversies and attention-craving measures leading up to the tournament had left Kolkata fans worried, but the purple shirt arrived in time to let people know all was fine in the camp. Never mind the faithful fans who bought truckloads of black-and-gold shirts and will now want a refund.
Yes, that thing of beauty, the shiny black-and-gold Kolkata Knight Riders shirt, has given way to an even more beautiful, nipple-twisting, light-reflecting purple and gold. The lack of controversies and attention-craving measures leading up to the tournament had left Kolkata fans worried, but the purple shirt arrived in time to let people know all was fine in the camp. Never mind the faithful fans who bought truckloads of black-and-gold shirts and will now want a refund.
The vendetta against the ICL
At one point it felt like people who watched the ICL were banned from watching the IPL. This year, though, we have the likes of Ambati Rayudu and R Sathish winning matches; Sunil Gavaskar can finally commentate while son Rohan plays; and even Russel Arnold has been welcomed into the box. Makes one wonder if the League has gone soft, exhibiting the first signs of complacence that could lead to its downfall.
At one point it felt like people who watched the ICL were banned from watching the IPL. This year, though, we have the likes of Ambati Rayudu and R Sathish winning matches; Sunil Gavaskar can finally commentate while son Rohan plays; and even Russel Arnold has been welcomed into the box. Makes one wonder if the League has gone soft, exhibiting the first signs of complacence that could lead to its downfall.
John Buchanan
And his laptop. And Matthew Mott, his sidekick. We need some people to reinforce the time-proven fact that cricket is a complicated game that mortals like captains cannot understand. Like he does with his movies, Shah Rukh Khan has attempted to dumb down an intellectual, even nerdy, game by sacking Buck. Shah Rukh, be a man.
Full postAnd his laptop. And Matthew Mott, his sidekick. We need some people to reinforce the time-proven fact that cricket is a complicated game that mortals like captains cannot understand. Like he does with his movies, Shah Rukh Khan has attempted to dumb down an intellectual, even nerdy, game by sacking Buck. Shah Rukh, be a man.
I'll take Dubai
Ten world leaders (and one rock star) and what they'd have brought to the ICC's top role
Nishi Narayanan
08-Mar-2010
Former Australian prime minister John Howard will become the ICC president in 2012. Apart from being a cricket tragic, he has little experience administering the game. But politicians are jacks of all trades, so the ICC may not be all that badly off under him. Here are other world leaders who may or may not have done a good job running the game.
Napoleon The ECB may have grumbled a bit about having a Frenchman run cricket, but if General Bonaparte had been ICC president, most European countries would be playing cricket today instead of having their heads stuck up in that football thingy. And the Ashes would have had proper historical context, played between "real enemies", France and England, at Waterloo.
Saddam Hussein Speaking of expansionist policies, one man knew best how to make the USA - the Promised Land for the ICC- sit up and take notice. The Bushes will vouch for that. If Iraq had decided to develop indigenous cricket, the USA would have considered it a threat to its existence and tried to take it from them. Several years later they would be fighting on the field and off it, with England and Australia regretting they ever took USA's side, and India and Pakistan regretting losing their "bitter rivals" tag to these two countries.
Full postDon't retire, be clever
Too many players are quitting Tests to extend their career. Not cool. Here are a dozen ways to keep your whites while being injury- and stress-free
Nishi Narayanan
19-Feb-2010
Kick it old school. Or rather, don't kick it at all. Be gentlemanly and shake hands to celebrate a wicket. Fewer ridiculously high leaps and Brett Lee would have had a hope of making it to the 2013 Ashes squad.
Get a runner whenever you can. If Arjuna Ranatunga could, when he felt a touch out of breath, so can you. If you have scored a century, reward yourself by skipping the fielding, like Tendulkar and Ganguly have done. In fact, put a clause in your contract saying you will.
When in Bangladesh, field in the deep. Fewer boundaries equals less running equals longer leg life.
Full postNice pairs
Television's Amazing Race unfailingly delivers stereotype teams each season. What if cricketers were to go on the show, we asked ourselves
Damith Samarakoon
18-Feb-2010
The jocks
Shane Watson and Andrew SymondsThese guys exemplify the modern alpha-male. Ripped, with bulging muscles and egos alike, they will massacre any team when it comes to physical challenges. You will often see them bumping chests and squashing beer cans with their bare hands upon completion of a task. And they'll try to be shirtless as often as possible.
How did they meet? At the gym, when they both reached for the same weight plate for a chest press. Best buds ever since.
How far will they go? They will breeze through and make the penultimate round with ease. But fail miserably during a challenge where each needs to stitch a beanie for his partner. Symonds turns up late for the challenge and struggles initially because his fingers are too big to hold the needle. Just when he is halfway done, Watson pricks himself and has to retire. Their race ends when Roy finds he has run out of material to fit Watson's head.
The oldies
Sanath Jayasuriya and Sachin TendulkarNo one really thinks this pair has a chance, but they somehow get very close to the finals - beating younger, stronger and faster teams with their experience and wit. There is a memorable moment where the oldies square up against the jocks in a 50-metre three-legged dash. With only five meters to go for a jocks victory, Sanath, who had seemingly gone off the boil, comes back in roaring fashion to drag himself and Sachin over the finish line.
How did they meet? Business rivals for years who always had a healthy respect for each other, they eventually ended up working for the same company.
How far will they go? Using their experience and worldly knowledge, they get through several early rounds. However, things go a little pear-shaped when they face a roadblock where they need to put a jigsaw puzzle together as a team. Sanath starts off at blitzkrieg pace but soon gets hand cramps. Sachin knuckles down and actually completes it by himself. But they are knocked out because it was meant to be a team effort.
The dysfunctional couple
Giles Clarke and Lalit ModiThese two are plagued by bickering, arguments, hissy fits and the like, but they defy logic and keep making it to the next round. Both try to make alliances with the jocks and the oldies but for different reasons - which ends up in yet another falling out.
How did they meet? At the annual CEO Haircuts That Win People Over conference.
How far will they go? They make the finals but are disqualified after one argument spills over, resulting in a fistfight, lost teeth and torn designer business shirts, after Clarke finds out that Modi has been skimming their travel money to lure other contestants to join his own Race.
The roaches of the game
Players who would survive bio-hazard disasters, nuclear war and Judgment Day
Jarrod Kimber
03-Feb-2010
If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn't make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn't always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.
Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn't get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.
Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn't bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He'd still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He'd be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn't trust anyone, but he'd be rubbish at catching food.
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