The Index
Get jiggy wid' it
Eight ways the atmosphere at Lord's could be improved for World Twenty20 matches
Alex Bowden
11-Jun-2009
Implement a change of dress policy
Specifically, ban blazers. There is no garment more guaranteed to quash unbridled glee than the blazer. It's a sartorial handbrake to raucousness.
Specifically, ban blazers. There is no garment more guaranteed to quash unbridled glee than the blazer. It's a sartorial handbrake to raucousness.
Wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube men in MCC attire
Nothing brings joy to a human heart quite like one of those bizarre inflatable figures you get outside car showrooms and the like, which flail about in the breeze with arms aloft. Put an MCC tie around their necks to provide a sense of history.
Nothing brings joy to a human heart quite like one of those bizarre inflatable figures you get outside car showrooms and the like, which flail about in the breeze with arms aloft. Put an MCC tie around their necks to provide a sense of history.
Alarm clocks under the seats
Watching cricket is only the second most popular activity in the Tavern Stand, but a gentle afternoon snooze is not conducive to a good sporting atmosphere. Alarm clocks should sound approximately every 20 minutes to keep people attentive. With clever timings, it may be possible to instigate a Mexican wave if many sleepers rise in shock as one.
Full postWatching cricket is only the second most popular activity in the Tavern Stand, but a gentle afternoon snooze is not conducive to a good sporting atmosphere. Alarm clocks should sound approximately every 20 minutes to keep people attentive. With clever timings, it may be possible to instigate a Mexican wave if many sleepers rise in shock as one.
Guest appearances
Eleven things Shoaib Akhtar can do to liven up the World Twenty20, now that he's not going to be playing in it
Ben Sammy and S Aga
06-Jun-2009
1. Donate his body to science while still alive. Holders of expensive tickets to the games get a free biology class thrown in, in which they get a guided tour of the medical marvel that is Shoaib - hyper-extensible elbows, barrel chest, flat feet, floating bones in knees, warts and all.
2. Be a guest vocalist on the PA during games and bring about world peace and unity by singing "We Shall Overcome" in his inimitable, unclassifiable accent.
3. Team up with Peter Stringfellow (of Stringfellow's) to unveil the box-thong, the most significant invention in protective cricket gear since the helmet.
Full postFollicular spectacular
The best hair in the tournament? Look no further than these fine gents
Andrew Hughes
04-Jun-2009
Kevin Pietersen
Whilst playing for Hampshire, wildlife lover and safari enthusiast KP became concerned for the endangered indigenous burrowing mammals of the New Forest. To raise awareness of their plight, he agreed to play the entire Ashes series of 2005 with a live badger on his head.
Whilst playing for Hampshire, wildlife lover and safari enthusiast KP became concerned for the endangered indigenous burrowing mammals of the New Forest. To raise awareness of their plight, he agreed to play the entire Ashes series of 2005 with a live badger on his head.
Yuvraj Singh
India's batting heartthrob showed that he still knows how to laugh at himself when he turned up to a recent photo shoot with a drastic new coiffure. "What do you call that?" joked Zaheer Khan. "I call it Yuvraj Singh's new haircut," said the pouty one.
India's batting heartthrob showed that he still knows how to laugh at himself when he turned up to a recent photo shoot with a drastic new coiffure. "What do you call that?" joked Zaheer Khan. "I call it Yuvraj Singh's new haircut," said the pouty one.
Shane Watson
As a protest at the vanity of the modern cricketer, Shane used his time on the sick list to pioneer the anti-haircut. The beauty of the "Watson" is that it can be achieved by anyone. All you need is a full head of hair and a small, bushy shrub into which to plunge it and hey presto, you're Australia's third best allrounder!
Full postAs a protest at the vanity of the modern cricketer, Shane used his time on the sick list to pioneer the anti-haircut. The beauty of the "Watson" is that it can be achieved by anyone. All you need is a full head of hair and a small, bushy shrub into which to plunge it and hey presto, you're Australia's third best allrounder!
Thirteen from two
A baker's dozen of things the second season of the IPL taught us
S Aga
25-May-2009
1. You can tell what a team are thinking, and then expound authoritatively on the subject, by standing 12 feet away from them by the side of the dugout and looking at the camera conspiratorially.
Thank you: Robin Jackman
Thank you: Robin Jackman
2. If you manage to buy two Englishmen, whose services you then proceed to not use, you need to celebrate by changing your team uniforms to as close an approximation of the England national side's as possible.
Thank you: Delhi Daredevils.
Thank you: Delhi Daredevils.
3. Bangalore is not a partying team. "The team is not a partying team unlike a couple of other teams," their coach said, and he's no loose cannon, as we all know. So much for the side being good brand ambassadors for their owner.
Thank you: Ray Jennings.
Full postThank you: Ray Jennings.
Put 'em in a box
Eleven players we'd like to see take up commentary duties
Nishi Narayanan
24-May-2009
Gautam Gambhir
At 80 words a minute, he could broadcast more sponsor names an over than the IPL marketing team can bring in. Clearly wasted in his current role as a "dangerous Twenty20 batsman".
At 80 words a minute, he could broadcast more sponsor names an over than the IPL marketing team can bring in. Clearly wasted in his current role as a "dangerous Twenty20 batsman".
Virender Sehwag
At three words per question, two of them being "of course" and "definitely", Sehwag will bring in the taciturnity that commentary booths all across the world desperately lack. "Outside off, six. Of course."
At three words per question, two of them being "of course" and "definitely", Sehwag will bring in the taciturnity that commentary booths all across the world desperately lack. "Outside off, six. Of course."
Kevin Pietersen
During a pitch invasion of the undressed kind, a good commentator will ignore the embarrassing situation and talk about something entirely different. Enter KP, who likes to talk about himself more than Warnie likes to text. While the streaker avoids shoulder barges, KP will discuss how he feels naked in the media glare and wants to let it all hang out.
Full postDuring a pitch invasion of the undressed kind, a good commentator will ignore the embarrassing situation and talk about something entirely different. Enter KP, who likes to talk about himself more than Warnie likes to text. While the streaker avoids shoulder barges, KP will discuss how he feels naked in the media glare and wants to let it all hang out.
Wish upon a star
Ten celebrities we'd like to see associate themselves with the IPL
Nishi Narayanan
22-May-2009
Barack Obama
If it's inspiring speeches you need, yes he can. Get him to stand outside the not-quite-sold-out stadiums and talk about his unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people …er, the South African people, and watch as the stands get packed with sobbing fans and Oprah.
If it's inspiring speeches you need, yes he can. Get him to stand outside the not-quite-sold-out stadiums and talk about his unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people …er, the South African people, and watch as the stands get packed with sobbing fans and Oprah.
Simon Cowell
We've heard of how the PA announcers have been taking on the commentators' roles, dishing out unfriendly advice to the players. Wouldn't "Judge Dread" Cowell really get the crowd going, sighing into the microphone, "It's a bit like watching a ship sink" as the runs dry up?
We've heard of how the PA announcers have been taking on the commentators' roles, dishing out unfriendly advice to the players. Wouldn't "Judge Dread" Cowell really get the crowd going, sighing into the microphone, "It's a bit like watching a ship sink" as the runs dry up?
Paris Hilton
That magic phrase she has copyrighted will boost the tournament's TRPs more than a joint musical by all the Bollywood celebrities associated with the IPL.
Full postThat magic phrase she has copyrighted will boost the tournament's TRPs more than a joint musical by all the Bollywood celebrities associated with the IPL.
Meaty, beaty, big and bouncy
They're redefining the term heavy hitter. Meet our fat lads XI
S Aga
20-May-2009
Sunny Sohal
Let us count the ways in which this well-fed youngster puts us in mind of the much-missed Inzamam-ul-Haq. Boasts on occasion a similar delicacy of touch, has at least one quasi-comic run-out to his credit, and looks like he knows hunger for runs is not the only appetite there is. How far away can the spectator-assault episode be?
Let us count the ways in which this well-fed youngster puts us in mind of the much-missed Inzamam-ul-Haq. Boasts on occasion a similar delicacy of touch, has at least one quasi-comic run-out to his credit, and looks like he knows hunger for runs is not the only appetite there is. How far away can the spectator-assault episode be?
Jesse Ryder
His love for the sauce may get all the attention, but one mustn't make the mistake of thinking Jesse's heft is all beer gut. Rumoured to be on the wagon at the moment, but he's got a few legs of lamb up there with him for company.
His love for the sauce may get all the attention, but one mustn't make the mistake of thinking Jesse's heft is all beer gut. Rumoured to be on the wagon at the moment, but he's got a few legs of lamb up there with him for company.
Jacques Kallis
Who ate all the biltong, then? All signs point to Jakes. Has rediscovered his appetite - for runs and more besides, it would seem. Is it fair to say he's been pulling his weight this year?
Full postWho ate all the biltong, then? All signs point to Jakes. Has rediscovered his appetite - for runs and more besides, it would seem. Is it fair to say he's been pulling his weight this year?
Colour 'em appropriate
Eight things the uniforms at this year's IPL reveal about the men who wear them. As disclosed by leading spectrumologist Marcia Nicholas
Andrew Hughes
19-May-2009
Deccan Chargers
Ah, now these guys mean business. They've chosen a distinctive shade of blue known as Mechanic's Oily Overalls. It tells me that they are industrious, mechanised and well-oiled. They will get the job done, but they may not always wash their hands.
Ah, now these guys mean business. They've chosen a distinctive shade of blue known as Mechanic's Oily Overalls. It tells me that they are industrious, mechanised and well-oiled. They will get the job done, but they may not always wash their hands.
Chennai Super Kings
The canary is an attractive bird, with bright yellow plumage and a cheery, optimistic tune. But in mimicking the songbird, the man who sports this vivid shade will also turn out to be easily dislodged from his perch and prone to fly north for the summer.
The canary is an attractive bird, with bright yellow plumage and a cheery, optimistic tune. But in mimicking the songbird, the man who sports this vivid shade will also turn out to be easily dislodged from his perch and prone to fly north for the summer.
Mumbai Indians
A lovely, soothing, calming blue, evocative of summer skies. This tells of a team relaxed and completely at ease with themselves, serenely going about their business. They may be so relaxed in fact, that they are in danger of falling asleep on the job.
Full postA lovely, soothing, calming blue, evocative of summer skies. This tells of a team relaxed and completely at ease with themselves, serenely going about their business. They may be so relaxed in fact, that they are in danger of falling asleep on the job.
They're playing our song
Twelve theme tunes for people figuring in this year's IPL
Jamie Alter
17-May-2009
1. Matthew Hayden
"Man On The Silver Mountain", Rainbow
"I'm a wheel, a wheel, I roll, I can feel - you can't stop me turnin'." Sums up Hayden's career in lyric. He's 37 but looks fitter than he has in years, leads the run-getters' list by a distance, and puts the fear of God in most bowlers. No Dad's Army here.
"Man On The Silver Mountain", Rainbow
"I'm a wheel, a wheel, I roll, I can feel - you can't stop me turnin'." Sums up Hayden's career in lyric. He's 37 but looks fitter than he has in years, leads the run-getters' list by a distance, and puts the fear of God in most bowlers. No Dad's Army here.
2: Brendon McCullum
"Passive", A Perfect Circle
Little substance, little emotion, too little production. What happened, Baz?
"Passive", A Perfect Circle
Little substance, little emotion, too little production. What happened, Baz?
3. Sourav Ganguly
"Where is the Love?", Black Eyed Peas
No matter what Ganguly does, it seems he's always got someone on his back. He was Kolkata's highest run-scorer last season, but they said he couldn't play Twenty20. He's been called a geriatric in the slide-and-dive era. Before this season's IPL started, Ganguly was threatened by John Buchanan's multi-captain theory; just what is it with Australian coaches going after him? Then Kolkata fell apart, and plenty of critics targeted Dada. It's a cruel, cruel world.
Full post"Where is the Love?", Black Eyed Peas
No matter what Ganguly does, it seems he's always got someone on his back. He was Kolkata's highest run-scorer last season, but they said he couldn't play Twenty20. He's been called a geriatric in the slide-and-dive era. Before this season's IPL started, Ganguly was threatened by John Buchanan's multi-captain theory; just what is it with Australian coaches going after him? Then Kolkata fell apart, and plenty of critics targeted Dada. It's a cruel, cruel world.
Stretch that cash till it squeals
Twelve ways the IPL can show it respects the recession
S Aga
15-May-2009
1. Use Sprite for the post-match celebrations.
Looks like champagne. Sort of. And if it was good enough for Indian players till about a couple of years ago, it's good enough for everyone. So there.
Looks like champagne. Sort of. And if it was good enough for Indian players till about a couple of years ago, it's good enough for everyone. So there.
2. Have the players do their own laundry.
If it was good enough for the Indian… etc. Ask Bishan Bedi how he built up the strength in his spinning fingers back in the austere sixties. Clue: not by sending text messages.
If it was good enough for the Indian… etc. Ask Bishan Bedi how he built up the strength in his spinning fingers back in the austere sixties. Clue: not by sending text messages.
3. Speaking of which, put Shane Warne on a no-cheese diet.
While you're at it, put him on a free-SMS cellphone plan as well. And take Lalit Modi's BlackBerry away. Instant savings amounting to about the GDP of a small African county.
Full postWhile you're at it, put him on a free-SMS cellphone plan as well. And take Lalit Modi's BlackBerry away. Instant savings amounting to about the GDP of a small African county.
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