The Index
Three handy phrases that will show a team is in fine shape for Cricket's Biggest Contest
In the wake of the 2006-07 Ashes debacle, we commissioned a report into our use of propaganda during the series. It was found that the English players failed to project a confident, positive image while in Australia. After extensive testing we have now developed the perfect phrase, one that expresses confidence and professionalism and also hints at extensive preparation. If you ever find yourself stuck for words, simply indicate that you are going to "hit the ground running" at some point soon.
A dossier from the ECB's positivity guru, sent to Andy Flower, advises England to keep their chins up no matter what
You'll be taking a lot of internal flights while you're in Australia and the baggage handlers might target you. The team shouldn't be disheartened by the loss of their personal belongings. Tell them that it is a clear sign that the Australians are feeling the pressure. Every missing jockstrap is therefore a step towards success.
Kevin Pietersen's list of must-dos for every up-and-coming international batsman
The England dressing room is a dull place sans the likes of Freddie. Can some players step manfully up to the plate, please?
Strauss could definitely make more of his "wing commander" reputation. The addition of a handlebar moustache is the absolute bare minimum he should be doing. This new quirky persona would also demand that he renounce all expressions of emotion. The open-mouthed cheering run from slip is starting to look a bit Baron Greenback these days anyway. Far better to adopt a stately walk before shaking hands with the bowler while sporting a benign yet inscrutable facial expression. Handshakes should be sufficiently evocative to express celebration, commiseration, glee, anger, disappointment and deep sadness at further allegations of match-fixing.
KP's thirst for love could be far more overt. Doing laps of the ground while waiting to bat, personally introducing himself to each and every fan is an option, but a tent offering free massages pitched on the outfield would be a better effort still.
What players should and shouldn't post on their micro-blogging page thingies
We love them, you love them. Write where you go to eat, how much you eat, what the person at the next table eats, and whether you got a doggy bag for later.
Stirring captains' speeches from the past that lifted hearts, soothed nerves and prompted trips to the pub
On their 1902 tour of Australia, MCC came up against Queensland early on. The state's opening bowlers, Bert Dirtshovel and Mick Bricknails, had fearsome reputations, and the MCC's captain and opening batsman, RGB Lightlyweather, acknowledged this when addressing his team before the match.
Dog ate your homework? Surely you can do a little better than that
My bud Peter McGlashan was developing a line of gloves, helmets and pads and wanted me to try his products and then endorse them. I thought if the glove could withstand broken glass, it would do fine against Dale Steyn's bouncers. You know what happened next. Petey didn't want bad publicity for his gloves, so I was forced to make up the booze-fest story. They splashed whisky and vodka on my clothes and my cheeks and told me to slur for the cameras. I didn't know how to since I rarely get drunk, so they told me to imagine Ricky Ponting talking with the rewind button pressed.
Dilly told me we had gone back to the back-foot no-ball rule from that game.
Players complain about conditions unnecessarily these days. Things used to be much worse in the old days
After a ferociously hot summer in 1874, what was already a hard, crazy-paved pitch on the first day of South Australia's first-class fixture against Victoria became cracked beyond reason as the match wore on.
There's nothing modern about coma-inducing matches
Fred Winsford was famed for the quality of his defensive play. However, having been brought up playing cricket against his brothers on a bowling green, he could only play the forward defensive - high-bouncing deliveries being outlawed by his father, who was chairman of the crown green bowling club in question. As a teenager, playing his first proper cricket match, Winsford had been so excited at finally being able to bowl bouncers that he'd never looked back. His fast bowling came on apace, but his batting was left utterly neglected.
A few classic cricket titles you may have missed
Michael Clarke's emotional recollection of his rollercoaster relationship with a West Indian batting great, and his eye-opening discovery of how much Lara had in common with his own team-mate, Michael Hussey. The book comes complete with a section in which Clarke tearfully confesses that both men's domineering strokeplay and typical left-handed flashiness makes him bingle... err, tingle.
Shahid Afridi's biting satire of the ICC's rules against ball-tampering, in which he argues that it should simply be treated as a normal part of getting ahead in the game. Buyers who pre-order will also recieve the Having a Ball DVD, in which Afridi demonstrates several fun, delicious recipes the whole family will enjoy.