The Index
And other inventive products cricketers have been clamouring for
The message most requested by fielders has been a variation of the following: "Thank you for calling me in the middle of the game. Your call is important to me. I apologise that due to the fact that I am currently running backwards under the ball in the hopes of, oh, I don't know, maybe catching it, I am unable to answer your call. Here at the King's XI Punjab, we value your remarkable persistence. Your call has moved two places up the order in which it was received, even if at the expense of our position in the league having fallen four.
After the success of the delightful, almost life-like android built by a Chinese cybernetics corporation (Japanese cybernetics corporations are so passé) to approximate the looks and bowling of Shane Warne in this year's IPL, emerging Twenty20 leagues the world over are scrambling to order one. "Sure, the synthetic skin has some issues: the colour tone is perhaps a shade too orange, and the plastic-to-imitation-human-tissue ratio a little too high to pass off as even reasonably human, but the rare legbreak the machine produces is alone worth the price," said Lalit Modi, the new commissioner of the IPL - the Icelandic Premier League.
Revealed: the secret project that was responsible for England winning the Cardiff Test
Trott's scheme was to lull someone into complacency via an interminable game of Connect 4. Roping Eoin Morgan in for a best-of-five match, Trott deliberately engineered a series of dull stalemates. Morgan started to lose interest when one game climaxed without so much as a "connect 3", but as he prepared to slide the last piece into the board to complete yet another two-in-a-row, Trott leapt to his feet and flung a tennis ball into Morgan's forehead with all his might.
Bell hired a friend to make phone calls to his team-mates' rooms in the middle of the night. Relaxed to the extent that they were asleep, players would wake with a start at the ringing of the phone, and upon answering would be greeted by vicious death threats.
Cricket has a noble tradition of players leaving bodily fluids on the pitch
After he was rudely felled by a Shoaib Akhtar special in Lahore in 2003, Gary Kirsten collapsed to the ground and proceeded to bleed profusely. Whereupon Shoaib ran up, concerned, and cradled the fallen batsman in his arms, considerately letting Kirsten drip onto him. Runner-up: Mike Gatting, who left a fair amount of the red stuff all over the place (and a significant portion of his nose on the ball) after a Malcolm Marshall bouncer crashed into his face in 1986.
There are players who glow and players who sweat. And then there's Rahul Dravid, off whom it drips in rivers, pooling on the pitch, creating a sticky wicket. All the better for him to display his teeth-gritted defensive skills on.
When it comes to the man all-too-soon to be formerly known as the Rawalpindi Express, reality is stranger than fiction. We put together some facts and untruths. Which of these is which?
A. Once said, "Today Lahore, tomorrow the world."
B. Once said, "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away."
C. Once said, "It is more important to work hard for tomorrow not the day after tomorrow."
A. Once said, "I'm madly in love with my motorbike."
B. Sparked a bidding war between Airbus and Boeing, who both wanted to sponsor him after they saw his airplane celebration routine.
C. Once said, "I drive a Rolls Royce cause it's good for my voice."
A. Limps on field because he's a method actor.
B. Coloured his hair green to prove his commitment to the country after a PCB panel questioned his loyalty.
C. Has an accent that incorporates Australian and South African with slivers of Creole and Irish.
The harsh truths, conveniently assembled in a list
While it might seem like it's been long enough now that the victory down under shouldn't affect the team, in reality the Ashes hangover doesn't officially expire until January 2012.
England took the positives from the tie with India, but can't for the life of them remember where they put them. Matt Prior thinks Andrew Strauss left them in a taxi but doesn't dare say so. Tim Bresnan is convinced he saw them in the hotel bar a day or so ago, but can't be certain about this because the light wasn't good.
When Niall O'Brien arrived at the crease, the stump microphone picked up the sound of someone saying: "I thought he was right-handed?" England had prepared as if Niall were Kevin and Kevin were Niall. Protestations from Kevin's Nottinghamshire team-mate Graeme Swann were dismissed as "mischievous banter".
It's not just about Tendulkar. Here's a list of people and causes India can win the World Cup for
The last couple of years have been hard on the people who rule this country. They have shuffled their feet and mumbled incoherently through telecom scandals, separate state/nation demands, and galloping inflation. So, please Team India, win the trophy so the government can carry on being useless without having to explain itself to a nation too busy rejoicing.
"The men in blue came to the party by defying the odds and won this game of glorious uncertainties by putting their best foot forward in the crunch time. This is what separates the men from the…" Oh shut it. Even the Verbanator will have something original to say if Tendulkar lifts the trophy at the Wankhede.
Why hasn't cricket had any great films made about it? Here are some that could fill that vacancy
A gripping action drama about how a clueless captain and crew struggle to save a sinking ship - a metaphor for the ICC and ODI cricket. As the HMS TitanICC inches towards its date with the ocean floor, the captain and crew swing into action to try and save it from what seems to be inevitable doom - by sitting around, sipping champagne, and coming up with cockamamie ideas such as asking the crew to wear neon pajamas, painting the hull green, and insisting to everyone that plunging to the bottom of the sea in a big boat is an enjoyable experience, and great value for sponsors. Strangely nobody seems to even try to plug the gaping hole in the side of the boat, which, to a casual observer, looks suspiciously like the cause of the problem. Starring Kate Winslet as Jacques Kallis, Edward Norton as Nathan Hauritz, Kirti Azad as Kapil Dev, T Rajender as Dougie Bollinger's hairpiece, and Chirayu Amin as the Invisible Man.
Why have coin tosses, where luck decides who gets to bat or field first? Let's bring some skill, endurance, knowledge and hand-eye into it, shall we?
What IPL franchises can offer to players other than loads of lolly
Australia's latest selection has opened up a can of worms or is it a can of...?