Going once...

Kevin Pietersen Apart from a container truck to load his ego in, a communication device so cutting edge that it converts hissy-fit tweets into Oscar-acceptance speeches.

Before: f@^!&** toads spent 1 mill on me. I am worth s***loads more aftr sngle-hndedly winning #Ashes

After: "Bought for one million - FTW. Big thnx to my fans for all their support and love. .. XOXO"

Sourav Ganguly The head of John Buchanan on a platter

Internal memo: Tried for Greg Chappell's but chainsaw broke

Sreesanth A coffin match with the fakeiplplayer. Also a three-minute buffoonery window during every match.

Jacques Kallis A chauffeur.

Chris Gayle and Herschelle Gibbs Key to the Playboy mansion.

Tim Bresnan Poor Bressy always getting his considerable leg pulled by that fiend Swann. As team owners we'll be happy to organise a month-long camp for the Pontefract pie-chucker at Comedy Central so he can come up with one good rejoinder to the Sultan of Stand-Up.

Internal memo: Seinfeld refused to help after reading "@Swannyg66 what are you doing with 15 dairy milks in your fridge graham?" but we may, just may, be able to get Adam Sandler in for a pep talk.

Brian Lara We'll call him "greatest batsman in the IPL".

Internal memo: Sachin has okayed it

Ryan Sidebottom The new face of L'Oreal. Because he needs it.

AB de Villiers A playback-singing contract in two Shahrukh Khan movies.

Stuart Broad Any two items from Shilpa Shetty's closet.

Rahul Dravid To be allowed to play in whites and not garish colours that clash with his awesomely cool personality.

Jesse Ryder A personal bartender.

Yuvraj Singh The offer to be Ryder's personal bartender.

Michael Hussey A chance to emigrate to India to play for a winning team.

VVS Laxman A chance to emigrate to Australia to be their saviour instead of destroyer.