R: Run-a-ball

One of many terms that have seen their meanings skewed by the advent of Twenty20. In the past, a "run-a-ball half-century" would suggest an innings of bravado, excitement and cavalier risk-taking. In Twenty20, a run-a-ball anything constitutes a display of unforgivable turgidity.

U: Unbelievable

A word used to denote a piece of play that is quite good, or an incident that is mildly unusual. May refer, for example, to a player hitting a boundary, a fielder stopping a ball whilst falling over, or a bowler restricting the batsman to a single.

A: Attention span

It seems hard to imagine now, but not long ago, watching top-level cricket required the same stamina, dedication and focus as a polar expedition. Now, however, the official ICC SPASM (Suggested Prime Attention Span Minimum) for watching Twenty20 matches is a mere 60 seconds, which is, in IPL, the average maximum length of time elapsing between two events which can be described as "unbelievable".

N: Napoleon Einstein

Nineteen-year-old squad member of the Chennai Super Kings, possessor of unarguably the greatest name in cricket history. Understandably, he has taken one look at his name and opted for a career as a sportsman, rather than as a physicist or emperor of France (as which the pressure to achieve would have been an unbearable burden). Neither Napoleon nor Einstein offered much on the cricket field, although the former, had he devoted his time and effort to mastering cricket instead of conquering Europe, could undoubtedly have proved himself an excellent if risk-taking captain (who, on the evidence of his working holiday in Russia, would have had a tendency to misread conditions), whilst the latter, had he concentrated on the technicalities of the great game rather than revolutionising human understanding of science, could have made himself into an top-class video analyst and a key member of the England back-room staff.

I: IPL

The Iran Pro League. The top division of Iranian football was the original IPL, and as a gesture of goodwill the winners of the Indian Premier League will take on the winners of the Iran Pro League in a special hybrid of cricket and football. The ball will be 22 centimetres in diameter, made of cork, string and leather, and hard; the players will have to wear boots made of willow; and the goals will be nine inches wide and 28 inches high. The match will take place on the runway at Imperial County Airport, California (IATA airport code: IPL), and will be refereed/umpired by professors from the IPL (Instituto Politecnico de Lisboa, one of Portugal's top 500 higher education establishments).

D: Democracy

The clash between the schedule of the IPL and the Indian election, which forced the former (rather than the latter) to relocate to South Africa, has raised once again the age-old question: "What is more important - democracy or cricket?" The ancient Athenians faced this quandary and plumped for democracy. Look where they ended up - as an irrelevant sub-division of the Roman Empire. The Indian authorities seem intent on repeating this obvious mistake, forcing the great game of cricket to take second place to the ephemeral frippery of elections. The next 2500 years will prove whether or not they were right to do so.

W: WG Grace

The big doctor would have loved the IPL, with its big crowds, big money and unbeatable novelty artificial beard merchandising opportunities. A modern-day marketing man's dream, WG would have been worth at least $1.5m a season at auction, girth permitting. His contest with Sreesanth would be worth the entrance fee on its own.

N: Names

American sport has given many things to the world, including the foot-long hot dog, the massive foam finger, and entertaining team names (the Las Vegas Vegans, the Tallahassee Tracheotomies, the Boston Skin Grafts, the Minneapolis Widows and Memphis Rash to name just five that could easily have existed). The IPL has picked up this baton and smacked itself on the head with it until some requisitely silly names came out. It is to be hoped that if a city-based franchise tournament ever takes off in England, it can take team naming to a new level - such as the Leeds Lunatics, Bristol Bereavement Counsellors, Manchester Mayhem, and London Rat Poisoners.

C: Commentary

The art of telling the viewers what they can already see, but doing it loudly, and with disorienting persistence, whilst mentioning as many sponsors as scientifically possible using a human voice-box. Aimed to assault rather than inform, to overwhelm rather than illuminate. In the old days of televised Test cricket, an entire 20 overs could pass without any commentator saying anything (in fact, during some lulls in play, the only discernible sign that the BBC commentary box was still populated was the gentle snoring of Tom Graveney). In the IPL, two seconds of dead air will result in multiple sackings.

M: MCC Coaching Manual

The secret IPL plan is that this once sacred tome will be rendered obsolete, officially decommissioned and replaced with a car bumper sticker reading: "Just stand there and whack it." Every now and again, someone will accidentally unfurl what is known as a "proper cricket shot", before apologising and begging his franchise not to sack him for excessive traditionalism.