What cricketers want

Sometimes even players need to advertise in the classifieds

Samantha Pendergrast

03-Jul-2012

David Hasselhoff dressed as Captain Hook, London, December 9, 2010

Wanted

Urgently need language coach to help learn celebratory words that don't get bleeped on television and to unlearn sign language. Must have a degree in anger management as well. Mothers and sisters needn't apply.

Looking for a new hairdresser before the World Twenty20. Must have a vivid imagination, love colours, be a volume expert and have experience working with curls. Any idea to do with clown wigs will be rejected.

Need emergency supplies of baked beans, fried chicken, mutton pies, pizza and several tubs of ice-cream. Must be camouflaged in lettuce leaves and marked as "organic, low-cholesterol, no fat, vegan produce".

Seeking application to apprentice with Captain Hook to learn how to put away those pesky short ones forever. Note: already affiliated with Super Kings, so cannot take to piracy full-time.

Looking for houses in Bangalore, Sydney, Barisal and Bulawayo to rent from October to April. Must have pool, bar, discotheque and casino attached. Willing to negotiate exchange with blessed house in Kingston with all the trimmings.

Lonely hearts

Lanky quick looking for a partner who won't tell him to be more like Zaheer Khan.
Likes: hairbands and high ceilings

Big fella looking for someone who doesn't mind being the punching bag in a relationship.
Likes: tequila, gardens and window-shopping
Dislikes: bathroom locks, curfews and diets

Gorgeous Pathan boy looking for a companion to support him when he retires.
Likes: Posturing, and Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dislikes: Fat old geezers who think they are in charge

For sale

T-shirt slogans written. Limited experience but received a lot of publicity for maiden catchphrase. USP: iconoclasm.

Used cricket jerseys. Blue and red, stained with success and reeking of awesomeness. Fits South Africans best.

Financial services for cricket boards looking to hit the goldmine. Can provide advice via letters. Face-to-face meetings possible as long as they're conducted on the phone. Also available: one used helicopter.

Missing

A month's worth of cricketing itinerary urgently needs to be found from somewhere. Losing millions in TV rights; players complaining of unknown ailments such as "relaxation" and "breathing space". Suspect itinerary stolen by Pakistan (proof: their ongoing series against Sri Lanka).