Bum deal

I came across an insightful article by the English columnist India Knight yesterday while I was noodling around on the internet. Those of you interested in Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's buttocks should read it immediately.

Ha! Gotcha! Okay, it's not entirely about Carla Bruni's buttocks so much as it is an indignant rant about why the media finds it perfectly okay to spend acres of newsprint talking about the "Battle of the Bottoms", between Bruni and Princess Letizia of Spain, while they wouldn't think of doing the same for their male counterparts. Knight's salient point is this (and I'm paraphrasing here): that all beautiful women are victims of their good looks and doomed to be defined by them for eternity. And further, that the only women in positions of powers we can tolerate are those who aren't recognisably female, who are bloke-like in their attention to grooming, mouse-like and compliant, or all new and exciting, like Michelle Obama. Which means that good-looking birds have the option of being in showbiz (where no one's paying attention to what you have to say anyway), or being arm candy (where you marry into power and then talk about immigration and sexual violence in Africa; doesn't mean that people still won't pay more attention to your Galliano-clad bottom, but hey, at least you have a platform from which to speak).

Now some of you know that I'm a poet and a dancer, and a lot of my poems have to do with the body. I believe that the human body is a great repository for energy, transformation and bliss, and equally, a thing capable of huge disappointment and deterioration. I write about all this stuff in ways that I hope are lyrical, but I am guilty as charged above, in that I pay far more attention to the bodies of the fairer sex. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm a woman, and therefore identify better. But I suspect that it's very simply that I think women are better designed anatomically. I think, given the option, anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation, would find much more to laud about J-Lo's bum, than, say, Robbie Williams'.

Once, at a poetry reading, a man said to me, "You know, you write beautifully about women, but how come none of your poems are about men? Why don't you write a poem about the bodies of men?" I scanned through the pages of my book to check whether this was indeed true, hoping to find something to contradict him, but when I saw that he was right, I resolved to go home and write a poem called "The Bodies of Men". I'm still working on it.

So now, in an effort to rectify my aforesaid tardy approach to boys and their bods, and because this is technically speaking a cricket column, and I need to say at least one thing about cricket in it, here's my list of the best IPL buns. I'm reining myself in to one per team.

Delhi Daredevils
Like for most of the female cricket-watching audience in South Africa, AB de Villiers seems an obvious choice. He's just so durned cute, but I think I'm going to have to go with Glenn McGrath. He may have pigeon legs, but all that sitting on the bench has paid off some.

Rajasthan Royals
Hmm. Yusuf Pathan, I think. Mainly because when asked what his favourite cuisine was, Pathan answered: anything that comes from my mother's hands. Any man who can say that on TV without the slightest note of bashfulness has got a good head (and possibly a good bum?)

Chennai Super Kings
I'm not being biased when I say that the Super Kings have some of the best posteriors in the tournament - MS Dhoni, Matthew Hayden and Albie Morkel. I'm going to go with gold this time and put my money on the current orange-cap holder.

Kolkata Knight Riders
Chris Gayle. No doubt.

Royal Challengers Bangalore
Robin Uthappa, all the way. His Cricinfo player profile describes him as tall and robust. I'm going to throw in: with a pretty good back side too.

Kings Punjab XI
Kumar Sangakkara. Okay, I have a slight crush. Yuvraj Singh isn't bad either.

Mumbai Indians
It's a toss up between Sachin Tendulkar and JP Duminy. As I went with gold last time, in this instance I'll go with green.

Deccan Chargers
After last night's inspiring performance, it would be unbefitting of me to go with anyone other than Rohit Sharma. Also, I feel I owe him some public attention as I failed to mention he was "cool" in my cool column (one DC fan begged me to recognise Sharma's coolness, so I duly am). Soon there will be an ode to Rohit Sharma. I'm just not sure when I'll have the time. I'm too busy thinking about Harsha Bhogle's hair (which I only caught sight of a few days ago, and frankly, I'm still in shock that I didn't know about it). Just goes to show that India Knight is right. He deserves equal, if not more coverage, than Mandira Bedi about his new locks.