Puns, poems and an open can of worms

Ever get the feeling you've touched on something you really wish you'd left well alone? Michael Kasprowicz certainly does, after his heroic failure in yesterday's heartstopping Test, and now so too do I. It won't come as much consolation to Kasper, of course, but I can at least empathise with him, because this week it has been my travesty of fortune to judge Cricinfo's inaugural caption competition.

Unlike Kasper, I brought this situation upon myself by setting up the contest, but I hadn't wagered for such an inundation of ghastly punnage, heinous poetry (yes, poetry) and, let's not beat around the bush here, unprintable lewd filth. But let's gloss over the references to "balls", "cheeks" and "choking", and pile straight to the worst of the rest.

"You're out of the game. Nothing can HARMison you now," beamed a chap by the name of Kris, who sensibly added a disclaimer to his email: "Please don't allow my full name to go out onto the internet ... thanks." Your wish is my command, Kris - they won't find you now.

Graham Ford from Castlecrag, New South Wales, on the other hand, threw all caution to the wind, and so deserves to be named, shamed and pelted with rotten fruit for this grotesque effort: "Hey Langer, if you linger there any longer we'll think you are waiting for panting Ponting punting on you retiring," he pattered. Address, phone, fax, mobile and email all available on request. (Not really.)

That might have been rock-bottom, but oh no it wasn't: "Justin's rustin', eh?" "Langer back in the hangar?" and "Ashes are all about gashes, mate!" were all wince-worthy efforts, while "Vaughning for the Justin Langer - (ie `Warning for the just-in Langer')" was actually a stroke of deranged genius.

But the lowest ebb was attained, ironically enough, by a man who spends more time reaching for the stars. "Thank God you aren't `Just-in', coz if you stayed any `Langer', Steve's going to `Harm-U, son'!!!" suggested Kaustubh Bhuve, a NASA employee from the States, no less. Stick to the rocket science, Kaustubh. Please.

From puns to poetry, which proved an entertaining and unexpected departure. Jeff Ward clearly didn't have an iambic pentameter to hand when he started composing, so penned this oeuvre instead ...

"When that one Great Scorer comes,
To mark against your names,
It matters not who won or lost,
But how many Aussies Steve maims."

... while Ishwar Ramani opted for five lines of nonsense that Edward Lear couldn't have bettered:

"Prayer ain't gonna help u Aussies
Coz from Ashes to Ashes,
We trade blows and bashes,
For Judgment Day is upon us,
And the spoils go to he who talks trashes."

He wasn't wrong about the last line though. Ishwar, pat yourself on the back and take yesterday off.

Adaptations of famous quotes and lyrics provided a variation on a theme. Some were remarkably successful, such as Henry Ginsberg's rehashing of Clint Eastwood's famous line in Dirty Harry: "I know what you're thinking - did he bowl six balls or only five. Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I've kinda lost count. But seeing as this is Steve Harmison, one of the fastest bowlers on the planet and could take your head right off, you've got to ask yourself one question - do I feel lucky. Well do ya, punk!"

Others, sadly, were not as good as Jayesh Taparia's reworking of Sinatra's classic: "That's life, that's what all people say. You were riding high in June, now shot down in July, but I hope you don't come back on top in August." "I couldn't make it rhyme, but I hope it gets published," he added. Ten out of ten for effort, Jayesh - you have your wish.

Some captions captured the vicious streak that lies deep within all cricket fans. "All the crowd think I'm coming over to ask how you are, but to be honest I've just come to make sure it hurt," suggested Ed Bowden, while Jennifer Williams, whose name might imply a sweet and gentle nature, instead strapped on her bovva boots to give Langer a good shoeing. "I hate to kick a man when he's down," she fluttered, "but what the hell!" The most chilling entry, however, came anonymously, with the letters cut out and pasted from a variety of magazines: "Shut up or we shut you up for good." Eek.

In the end, it all came down to a shortlist of four. "So this is what we used to look like, praying and choking at the same time," suggested 4sticks - a worthy effort, but not as worthy as Shreyas Patil from Saudi Arabia, who misunderstood the brief so heroically that he actually created his own painstaking subgenre. "Langer attempts to regain his orientation as Vaughan approaches with distant concern."

Up until the bitterest of ends there was, in my mind at least, only one winner. Pradeep Goyal's superbly minimalist offering: "Would you like a cup of tea?" (largely because my only response was "Yes please!", as opposed to the usual "No way!", "Next!" or "Arrgh!"). But hindsight is a wonderful thing, so congratulations to Chris McCarrey from New Zealand who, like Harmison himself, produced a jaffa seconds before the deal was sealed ...

Thanks to all who entered. It's been a pleasure. No, really. And, seeing as I'm a sucker for punishment, here's next week's imponderable. Entries to caption@cricinfo.com.